


What are feelings?

by orangemints



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: AtsuHina, Fluff, M/M, Post-Timeskip, also features the msby black jackals idiots, and disowns his emotions for like a good two seconds, atsumu acts like a giant idiot, but its endearing, ends in a big dramatic confession, it's really just a spiel about Atsumu being complelely whipped, serious fluff abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:33:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24524677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangemints/pseuds/orangemints
Summary: Atsumu attempts at playing it off like he didn’t develop the biggest fucking crush on Hinata ever since the first day he saw him during Nationals, until he comes back from Brazil two years later and joins the black jackals, and really, Atsumu's just helpless.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu
Comments: 9
Kudos: 280





	What are feelings?

**Author's Note:**

> This was taken from my [tumblr](https://dai-ou-sama.tumblr.com/) which was originally a pt 1 and pt 2 post! Dropped it here so it's a little easier to find :) 
> 
> Atsumu is a dramatic little shit, so this is my take on how he deals with feelings. And also, Atsuhina is valid. Hope you like it!

Atsumu’s first experience with a certain type of helplessness began with casual curiosity - completely unbidden, and later, deeply regretted: “ _And also...who is that?_ ”. In the grand scheme of things, in other words his twenty-two years of living, this can be considered an extremely miniscule moment, inconsequential almost. But really, that was also the last moment he’d been free from years of confused pining and emotions his brain and pea-sized emotional range could barely comprehend. What came after, was the first ever match he played against Karasuno, and boy, did that roundhouse-kick him down the rabbit hole of _feelings™_.

Now, Atsumu had rarely given thought to things as trivial as feelings before Hinata, in fact, he had rarely given thought to anything at all. His thoughts had mostly consisted of: volleyball, how good playing volleyball felt, how good being a setter felt, how hungry he felt and how he could possibly fast-forward time to the next time he played good volleyball. When anything other than volleyball and hunger had cross his mind, like feelings, he had taken them in stride - because he was _god damn_ Miya Atsumu - worldwide hotshot, mr-steal-yo-girl- _and_ -guy, mr-anybody-who-can’t-hit-my-sets-suck-that’s-all-there-is-to-it. 

_Exactly_. Feelings were _beneath_ him.

That is, until a certain ‘Shoyo-kun’ came along and hurled that routine cleanly out the window. 

That single match in his second year of high school had engraved the memory of Hinata into his mind, and like an idiot who didn’t understand what crushing on someone big-time felt like, he’d declared, “Shoyo-kun, I’ll toss to ‘ya one of these days.” A little promise more to himself than Hinata perhaps.

Yeah, well, that went well. The year following that, he’d spent much of his volleyball and non-volleyball time thinking about how mesmerising Hinata and Kageyama’s play had been. He’d been impressed - and annoyed - by the sheer improvement Kageyama had made in a matter of weeks since the training camp. There was even a certain level of admiration involved. His thoughts in training often returned to the bar the freak-pair had set, and it wasn’t false to say that they inspired him to push his limits with Osamu further; faster, freer, wilder.

But then, his thoughts often wandered off to wondering what it’d be like to have _Shoyo-kun_ as his partner too. (He couldn’t really help it. After nationals, thinking about volleyball had always led to thinking about Hinata, and he was _always_ thinking about volleyball.) He thought that about how fun it would be to jerk his opponents around on court using the monster that was Hinata. He thought about how fun it would be to have to keep up with someone else other than Osamu for once; that maybe that over-energetic ball of constant-excitement would drag him way beyond his current limits as a setter too; maybe he would force him to play volleyball ‘till he was sick of it, just so he could feel the thrill of falling in love with it all over again. (Was that a little masochistic?) If it was even possible, Hinata made his love for _good_ volleyball burn even brighter. His passion had touched him; he had captivated him. 

Atsumu thought his heart raced every time he thought of Hinata because of the prospect of being able to play volleyball on a whole new level - the idiot.

But then Hinata had walked through the doors of the stadium for the Black Jackals tryouts three years later (after disappearing for two years and crushing Atsumu’s surprisingly fragile heart because he thought he’d never see Hinata again, causing him _a lot_ of confused sleepless nights thinking about how he’d wished he’d gone to ask Hinata to play with him before he’d left) and you could say Atsumu had choked on his own breath. You could also say he was so stunned he’d frozen mid-step and dropped the ball he’d been tossing around, and froze for so long, Bokuto actually had enough time to bend in front him to ask if he had just been to Antartica. What would you have it, his spur of the moment declaration had proven true. He _was_ going to toss to Hinata. Atsumu stared straight at the ground without looking up after that because his heart was beating abnormally fast and for some reason, he had lost control of his lips - he couldn’t stop them from pulling into a smile.

And my god, was it fun playing with Hinata. The months of training that followed after that fateful day made Atsumu feel as good as he had expected it to, even better in fact, because while he’d thought about all the new and experimental sets he would be able to make with Hinata, he hadn’t really thought about the wide smiles he would get in return for the good sets he made; or the excited high-fives they would have after each play; or the liberty he now had to bask in the warmth of Hinata’s body whenever he threw an arm over his shoulders and held him a little closer than he would have Bokuto or Sakusa (not that the latter ever let him close enough to really touch him at all).

It wasn’t just that too. Even if it wasn’t about his tosses, about how good it felt to have the little monster Hinata under his command, just _watching_ him made his breath catch. How did anyone make him go crazy over volleyball more than he already did? Or maybe, he was just going crazy now.

Alright, so maybe he really liked the way “Atsumu-san” sounded from Hinata, and he almost always had an arm slung around his shoulders or waist when they were walking, and he called out “Shoyo” more than necessary just so Hinata would turn to meet his eyes in question with his head tilted, but that wasn’t really out of the ordinary for him. He was just more drawn to Hinata because he made his sets feel real good, and that made him feel good around him. Always.

Besides, lots of people were drawn to Hinata the same way he was. He was always surrounded by people - god knows where and how he became friends with all of them - and he was always laughing. They were always laughing because he was laughing. Even Sakusa tolerated his presence enough to take off his mask when he’s with him after training sometimes. And that’s exactly what Atsumu believed in, until Bokuto spoke up one day after practice when they’d been alone in the locker room.

“Man, for all the talk you have about us dancin’ to your tune, you sure are wrapped around Hinata’s little finger.”

Atsumu shrugged and continued packing his bag. “Well, Shoyo-kun is one scary little spiker.”

Bokuto shook his head. “Nah man, I’m not talkin’ about spiking. He’s got the ability to control the entire court to his liking if that’s what we’re talking about. I’m talking about you outside’a court.”

Atsumu’s face scrunched up in confusion. “Bo-kun, would’ja mind talkin’ with a little more sense? I don’t understand what’cha trying to say.”

“You see! That’s exactly what I mean!” Bokuto jumped up and pointed at Atsumu from the other side of the bench. “With all of us, you always talk like such a snotty brat! And you look like you want to die half the time-”

“ _-Ouch, okay dude, that kinda hurts-_ ”

“-but when you talk to Hinata- no, scratch that. Even when you’re just looking at him, it’s like you’re seeing stars. You drop that snobby smile you’re always wearin’ and it turns all...uhhh...mushy! Then there’s also the way you’re always calling out to him, and you just sound like you really like saying his name; and the way you’re always staring whenever Hinata laughs even though you’re, like, across the court. And I mean, you’re _always_ talking like you’re all that hot stuff, but sometimes, you have these lapses where you just _stop_ talking and watch Hinata talk. Oh! And do I really need to talk about how he’s always hanging off your back when we’re resting in-” 

“-OKAY. THAT’S ENOUGH!” Atsumu shouted, covering his face with his arms. “What are ‘ya, Bo-kun? A freak? Why do you know all that? Have ya been stalking me? And who said I did all that? There’s just no way I did all’a that. That’s so embarrassin'. There’s no way I did all that.”

“You’ve repeated that twice now, Tsum-tsum!”

“...Just shut up, Bo-kun.”

“I didn’t stalk you. It’s been pretty obvious at trainings, and it’s been going on for months. Omi-kun thinks so too!”

“...Oh no.” How bad must it have been for Bokuto to be able to give him an in-depth run down on what a mess he’d been like? There was just no way. Miya Atsumu, _the_ Miya Atsumu, national volleyball heart-throb, MSBY setter number 1, acting like an idiot in front of- of Shoyo-kun. 

And _why?_

He paused to think about that, and memories flashed through his mind without much prompting: bright smiles; light, tinkling laughter; spontaneous high-fives; the warmth of Hinata’s chest against his back and his warm, breathy laughs against his ear whenever Hinata had been amused by what Atsumu scrolled through on instagram. 

Well, _damn_. And as if the rate of his heartbeat wasn’t evidence enough, Bokuto’s following “Woah, bro. Your face is totally scarlet!” really drove home the understanding that Miya Atsumu was absolutely _gone_.

\-- 

Atsumu sauntered up to the stadium doors breezily, his movements as smooth and as lazy as usual. His earphones - airpods - were in, his hands were nestled in the pockets of his hoodie and he was feeling _wonderful_.

He’d spent the night after Bokuto’s ramble tossing and turning in his bed, alternating between lapses of silence in which he recalled and repeated past interactions with Hinata, and lapses of screeching into his pillow in mortification whenever an especially mortifying memory resurfaced, before thinking, “Well, it’s Shoyo-kun I’m thinkin’ about here. Isn’t that a justified reaction? Who wouldn’t have stopped an’ stared if they saw him laugh like that?” and “No, it’s okay. He couldn’t have noticed. Nobody would’a noticed me doing that.” Then he’d go back to thinking about Hinata, and the vicious cycle repeats. He ignored the fact that Bokuto, resident idiot #1 of MSBY Black Jackals, had told him that he and Sakusa had already noticed _plenty_ of things. 

His internal turmoil had continued well into the night, until approximately four in the morning, when he’d gotten enough of himself and his thoughts (a previously unprecedented phenomenon, mind you) and slapped his face hard enough to yelp, then finally, _finally_ passed out cold. 

Now, he was back at the stadium, and he was fine. He’d spent a good portion of day before the evening training session staunchly denying the existence of a thing called feelings, and he’d very much convinced himself he wasn’t feeling any kind of way at all. He pushed open the stadium doors and strode in, spotting his teammates at the other end of the court and offering them a lazy wave. Hinata hadn’t yet arrived, and when Atsumu settled down, he realised that he was really feeling quite alright. 

Bokuto might have exclaimed that he looked like death and asked if he was okay, and Sakusa might have added that he always looked like death anyway - but he was fine. When Hinata arrived and greeted them with a smile not unlike the sun, he was fine. So what if he found Hinata cute - big deal, he already knew that. He was even fine for a solid two hours of training beside Hinata, the time filled with shared banter and high-fives. Over the course of two hours, his heart had slowly retuned to an almost-normal rate and his stomach stopped flipping in odd ways. Basically, he thought he was handling all of it (it being the mess that was his feelings) quite professionally, and counted that as a win. He continued to be perfectly a-ok, until they began the practice matches, and he nailed a particularly fast set with Hinata.

“That one felt really good! It really went BAMMPF this time!” Hinata exclaimed as they exchanged a double-handed high-five, and Atsumu laughed, agreeing because it _did_ feel really good. He turned back to the net, and the next set, the next successful point, was already running through his mind. Beside him, Hinata paused, and turned to look at Atsumu. “Ya’know, Atsumu-san, I’m really glad I get to play with you now. On this team. With everyone. Especially with you beside me on the court.” Atsumu was in the middle of an automatic non-committal hum when he turned to face Hinata. His words hadn’t really registered in his mind yet because he was still thinking of the next quick-set, until of course, he had caught sight of Hinata’s expression and everything - his thoughts, breath, and heart - stuttered to a stop. 

Hinata’s smile now was different from the ones before. Those had been easy smiles, beaming and grinning that Atsumu had already been prepared to face, but this? This was somehow softer. It seemed more intimate, like a small confession whispered in secret. And wow, Atsumu was not prepared for it. It _really_ did not do him any favours.

That was very decidedly the moment Miya Atsumu’s internal system had glitched and crashed, and the thought of being _not_ fine came back with a vengeance and slapped him in the face. Double whammy.

This was real. His feelings were real. He had a huge fucking crush on Hinata and he had never noticed. He noticed now. And instinctively, he _knew_ he was not about to handle this epiphany well. Forget pretending to be okay, it was time to abort mission. He was about to act like the biggest moron in the world if he faced Hinata right now, and his narcissism would never let him live it down if he allowed it to happen. 

So what did he decide to do? Drop everything and run out of the stadium with his face in his hands, it seemed like. 

Was that _really_ preferable to just losing his shit right there and then (blushing, stuttering, maybe even crying, who knows honestly; his emotions were currently a hot mess) in the stadium? Hm. Debatable. But Miya Atsumu’s brain worked in wonderful ways.

Courtesy of Bokuto’s past meltdowns, Atsumu found his way to the storage room easily, and he marched in very robot-like before shoving himself between the safety mats to wallow in deeply-rooted, ever-growing self-hate. _Heavens please,_ _just end me now and save me the mortification._ This moment was never going to stop haunting him till the day he finally stepped into his grave. It was definitely going to end up as his nightmares for years.

God knows how long had passed before the door to the storage room creaked open, and by then, Atsumu’s soul was already half out of his body. He barely even noticed when the shuffling of footsteps stopped before him, and he kept his forehead pressed against his knees.

“Atsumu-san?” Hinata’s voice made him flinch a little, but beyond that he remained locked in position. “Are you okay?” 

Absolutely not.

“What’s wrong?”

In Atsumu’s mind, it was the entire world, apparently. But really, it was just his pride in shambles (for god knows _what_ , honestly) and he really wanted to disappear right now.

“Atsumu-san?”

There was a long pause of silence that made Atsumu wonder if Hinata had given up on the embarrassment that was Atsumu like he should, then - “ATSUMU-SANNNNNN!” Hinata shouted right beside his ear, making him jump in his seat. Hinata took the chance to grab his face in both his hands and forced him to look up at him. “What’s wrong with you?”

Hinata was crouched right in front of Atsumu, face only inches away, cradling Atsumu’s face in both his hands. He stared straight into Atsumu’s eyes with an oddly determined look in his own. And Atsumu- Atsumu’s breath just caught, not for the first time that day. He wondered absentmindedly then if he looked like he was star-struck to others, because he certainly _felt_ star-strucked. The doors to the room were still open and the lights of the corridor made it seem like the entire universe had just lit up around Hinata, the sun. The palms pressed against Atsumu's cheeks were warm, shockingly so. 

“...I’m in love with you.” Atsumu couldn’t have helped it, honestly. The words had slipped past his lips before he'd even noticed, and he remained in awe of Hinata long after the words had been uttered still. Then slowly, Atsumu’s thoughts caught up with his words and... _oh fuck_.

Hinata froze slightly. “What?”

Now Atsumu’s mind was racing. _What the fuck did I just say. Oh my god, ‘Tsumu, I hate’cha so much. Ya’ should just die. Are ya’ an idiot? I should just laugh right now and pretend it was’a joke. Or maybe I should just die right now. Or kiss him. Or die. Or-_

Instead, Atsumu just resigned to his fate. He looked away - and teared a little - and mumbled, “I said, I’m in love with you.” His face was burning, and he kind of felt like he wanted to cry because it had been a whole ass _day_ of emotional confusion and he was just not built to handle things like this.

Hinata seemed dumbstruck for a while, then gradually, a blush crept up his cheeks - together with a grin. “You mean that?”

Atsumu’s gaze whipped back to Hinata, almost petulantly, and he said, “Of course I mean that, do ya’ think I wou-” His words were cut off by Hinata, who pressed his lips against Atsumu’s, and boy, if Atsumu thought he’d been seeing stars before, he was not prepared for this. Atsumu released his hands from around his knees and wrapped them around Hinata’s neck instead, pressing closer. Trying to drink in as much of the sun as possible. Far too soon, Hinata pulled away, before laughing at the sight of Atsumu’s face. “I’m in love with you too!”

Atsumu.exe was not working. “...But why?”

Hinata looked at him, his nose and brows a little scrunched in confusion. Even in his daze, Atsumu couldn’t help but find it adorable. “What do you mean why?”

“Why would’cha ever like someone as embarrassin’ as me?”

Hinata looked at him wordlessly for a moment, as if he was exasperated, then he sighed and took Atsumu’s face in his hands again. Atsumu decided he really liked having his face in Hinata’s hands.

“Because you’re as dedicated and as committed to volleyball as one can get. Because I really like the way you laugh when you make a good set and it makes my heart go...gwaaaah. Because you look like you could take on the world when you’re performing well, and still come out victorious. Because you let me know I have more ways to play than one. Because you’re _Atsumu_ ; a total idiot and a dork as long as you’re off the court, but completely _captivating_ when you’re on. You're like the sun!" - Atsumu snorted slightly at that. _Hinata_ was saying that? - "And so much more. D-do you really need me to go on right now? Because we’re going to have to stay here all night if I do.” It seemed like he had gotten a little embarrassed at the end of all of that.

But Atsumu didn't notice - he replied ‘yes’ automatically anyway, and earned himself a laugh, then a light smack on the arms, then a peck on the lips, before Hinata settled down in a more comfortable position and carried on.

Atsumu thought that maybe, he didn’t hate himself all that much after all.

\--

Atsumu entered the stadium with his arm around Hinata’s shoulder as he always did, completely immersed in the way he talked about his time in Brazil. When they reached the rest of their team at the other end of the court, Bokuto immediately shouted, “HEY, HEY, HEY!! You look like you’re doing fine today too, Tsum-tsum!”

Sakusa grimaced at the side, eyebrows scrunched in disdain. “You look _extra_ obnoxious today. Why the hell are you still smirking like that? Stop it, it looks dirty.”

Atsumu responded with an extremely smug, self-satisfied “hmph” then said, “As ya’ can see, Omi-kun, Bo-kun.” He gestured to Hinata, “I now have a boyfriend.”

Sakusa’s face just wilted further with disgust, but he gave up and turned away without further comment. It had already been two weeks since the idiot ran out of the stadium like a lunatic, _two weeks_ , and he was still acting like it happened two hours ago. Sakusa just sighed then, and prayed for patience.

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive me for repeating the sun so many times.


End file.
